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My Ultimate Life-is-Crap Tale: You’ve Been Warned

Life is full of disappointments, so I try not to get too excited about anything. When movie trailers have me at the edge of my seat, I usually find myself asleep in the theater. When my favorite football team is on a winning streak, the referees ruin it by conveniently disagreeing with the rules. So, when a commercial has my mouth watering, I should know better than to expect the results promised.

One day I was wondering what to eat for dinner and I saw an advertisement for a local taco joint that convinced me to give in to temptation. Against my better judgment, I decided to eat at the establishment, rather than taking it home to pair with my favorite recliner and a binge-worthy show. My server was awesome and made me feel like I had definitely made the right choice in cuisine, so when she brought me the meal with a hair sticking out of my tortilla, I gracefully sent it back. Everyone makes mistakes, right? The next plate came out shortly after and it was almost as beautiful as the commercial. I devoured the cheesy deliciousness and ordered another set of tacos to take home to my teenage hermit.

When it All Turned to Crap

Suddenly, my stomach started doing flips. I quickly found the sign for the restroom and made it to the door with a light coating of sweat covering my brow. When I entered the unisex lab, I was disgusted. I wanted to find the manager and rub his nose in it for allowing this unsanitary atrocity, but there was no time for that. My knees were buckling from the pressures of my intestines while I tried to line the toilet with layers of paper. My butt barely hit the makeshift cushion before all Hell broke loose in that bathroom. It was so intense I had to grab my knees and try not to scream.

As I sat there hoping it was over and mentally preparing the worst Yelp review in history, I reached behind myself for a courtesy flush. Nothing happened. The toilet was out of order. Not only did I potentially have food poisoning, but my ass exploded in public and there was nothing I could do about it. I ran out of the restaurant leaving my To-go order and all my shit behind, proving once again life is crap. Literally.

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