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Why Icy, Snowy Winters are Full-on Crap

Granted, a very rare snowfall in southern states is like a miracle. It’s perfect because the snowballs melt usually before a day has passed. Then you wait another decade or three before the snow comes back. But even down south, the temperatures are frequently below freezing, which can mean icy, treacherous roads and deadly commutes. In places where snow is common and below freezing is the norm, it’s best to migrate to a warmer clime, like the smart birds.

Air Turns us Into Dried Up Raisins

Even the air is the enemy in winter. It becomes so dry that our lips and faces and bodies are chapped and withered of moisture. Men suck it up, but the truth is they find themselves jealous of women with purses full of supplies like Carmex lip treatment for chapped lips and soothing body lotions. Hands begin to look cracked and disgusting, all because the air has had most of the moisture sucked out of it.

Sudden Zaps of Static Shock

You can never tell when the static shock of winter is going to reach out and jolt the crap out of you. It could be when you shake someone’s hand. The worst is a static shock kiss! Static shock can even happen at the gas pump, which could blow you to f*%!king outer space. Kids scoot across carpets in their socks for sadistic purposes; they touch you at just the right time to make you practically crap your pants. This is a winter thing that happens because of the damned dry air. Beware!

Temperature Trauma

If your door isn't blocked by snow and you’re careless enough to step outside in freezing weather without the proper layers, you quickly learn that preparation for venturing from home is a requirement. You may also learn that the roads haven't been plowed and you can't go anywhere, anyway. Bundled up properly, you can withstand being out on the below-freezing temps. Driving is a bitch, with thick layers of clothing making your arms stiff and unyielding. But then you arrive to your destination and you are suddenly suffocating and need to peel layers post haste. Where are you supposed to put all those winter dress items? Mittens or gloves, scarf, warm cap, outer coat, possibly snow shoes to switch to normal shoes. It’s like a travel suitcase is needed to go anywhere.

People in the south are frequently jealous of the places where snow fights can be a daily winter activity. They have no idea what crap it is to deal with icy winters. Might as well just slip on their black ice and crack their skulls, to taste the woes of a sub-zero winter.

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