Confessions of a Mean Pregnant Woman
My kids are beautiful and amazing—actually pleasant to be around. Everyone wants kids like mine. But I loathe being pregnant. And now a fourth is on the way! This is the first my husband and I didn’t plan. I hate all surprises but an unexpected pregnancy is like a death sentence. Deep, deep down inside, I know my life will be richly blessed in countless ways by what’s growing in my womb. That sentiment is buried so deep, however, it isn’t off-setting my new levels of bitchiness that have my family walking on the veritable egg shells. Good! That is as it should be because there’s a human growing in my body, sucking away all of my nutrients and giving me the strangest cravings. Nothing is as it should be, and why shouldn’t everyone suffer?
A Few Reasons I Hate Being Pregnant
Men have no idea what we women go through. My husband acts like he is literally on his death bed when he has the flu for a week. And yet he can’t muster the compassion to try to understand what I’m going through for this 9-month period when I expand to the size of large bovine. My family is miserable because of me right now. It would be great if they made an effort to learn about this ordeal I’m going through that turns me into an evil witch. Here are a few of the reasons for my misery:
- I’m overly aware that there’s a baby in my stomach, and I just don’t like it. Trying to think what to compare this to. I guess it’s like sitting at a fancy dinner in a quiet, opulent restaurant with your husband’s bosses and feeling a gigantic gas bubble in your body that is determined to explode either as an earth-shaking fart or burp if you move or speak.
- Babies sit on bladders. I pee my pants on a regular basis starting when the infant is still the size of a peanut.
- My hormones are bad when Aunt Flo makes monthly visits, but they go full whack-a-doodle when I’m pregnant.
- I swell and can’t see my feet. My clothes never fit right. I’m bloated and puffy. Sometimes I feel like my body is akin to Patrick Star on SpongeBob SquarePants.
- The perception of glowing pregnant women being so beautiful is perpetrated by professional photographers who take amazing pictures of mothers-to-be and their large, protruding stomachs. All of this condemns me, with my dull, pitiful appearance and Momzilla attitude.
How Would You Like it?
Anyone reading this who hasn’t had a baby and isn’t currently pregnant should understand the suffering a mother goes through. It’s serious shit. So just back away from the bitchy pregnant mom and then go hug your mother, if you’re still lucky enough to have her. She deserves a metal just for having you.